Transfer deadline day fun and games

Much like Justin Bieber, January's transfer deadline day is a triumph of hype over substance.

Rarely do big moves happen on January 31, but that doesn't stop Sky Sports News going into overdrive in the hope that they might get a repeat of last year's Fernando Torres/Andy Carroll merry-go-round. Presumably it's the same in France, there must be a Gallic version of Jim White getting ready for a busy day on Infosport or one of the other channels.

Any reporters who happen to be lurking around outside the gates of Camp-des-Loges on the look-out for cars with blacked-out windows could be in for a long day, as Paris St Germain seem unlikely to sign anyone. The Thiago Motta trail appears to have gone cold, despite Inter signing a couple of midfielders yesterday, and though today's Parisien moots a move for Diego Milito, it seems more in hope than expectation. Canal+, meanwhile, are reporting that we've agreed terms with Damiao, but not his club Internacional.

But you never know what could come out of left-field, here are a few stories which I think could happen later today:

PSG make failed bid for Ronaldo

The real Ronaldo that is. You may remember he stopped by at the club earlier this month (above) to visit his former Real Madrid team-mate Claude Makalele. What wasn't made public was that Leonardo offered him a contract worth €3,4545456,23435,223234 a week to come out of retirement. "The deal is done, Ronaldo will be a PSG player" a source close to the club will tell Al Jazeera this afternoon, only for the Brazilian to deny it two hours later, declaring he is happy where he is (on the sofa, eating pies).

Dimitri Payet to do some more sight-seeing
My favourite story of the last transfer window was that of St Etienne forward Payet making a dash to Paris on January 31. Though most sources suggested this was ahead of a proposed move to PSG, St Etienne co-president Roland Romeyer had a different explanation: “Dimitri is in Paris because he went to see the Eiffel Tower," he said. Expect Payet, now at Lille, to be spotted at Notre Dames this afternoon.

QSI hijack Sochaux's moves for Yaya Banana and King Osanga
Because what's the point of having loads of money if you can't sign players on the basis of them having amusing names?

PSG shun big names and sign some proven Ligue 1 players in positions that actually need filling
Sorry, strayed too far into the realms of fantasy there.