20:51
Matthew Gooding
As you'll have noticed from the constantly recycled lines and stolen jokes, PSG Tourist is nothing if not unoriginal.
So for this end-of-season round-up I've shamelessly pinched an idea I saw on the marvellous Arseblog, and decided to review our players' seasons in the style of Twitter, using 140 characters or less. Hopefully I haven't forgotten anyone, and do let me know if you think I've got any of my ratings hopelessly wrong.
Goalkeepers
Alphonse Areola: Good hair, little first team action, would probably benefit from going out on loan somewhere #promise. C.
Nicolas Douchez: Seems happy to be Chris Woods’ to Sirigu’s Peter Shilton. Our cup specialist should practice penalty saves #shower. B-.
Ronan Le Crom: Moment in the spotlight went spectacularly pear-shaped, poor chap. #rouge. D.
Salvatore Sirigu: Another largely faultless season from Ligue 1’s keeper of the year and the Italian number one in waiting. Just retire now Buffon. #reliable. A
Defenders
Alex: The Tank is increasingly suffering mobility problems, could be stuck in the mud. Still solid enough, and lethal from set pieces. #turret. C.
Christophe Jallet: Never hit the heights of last season, but decent enough. Knee-high socks possibly hampering his progress. #baldy. B.
Diego Lugano: *Blocked*
Greg Van der Wiel: Started badly and improved a bit, but positional sense remains a worry. Not better than Jallet. #wasteofmoney. C-.
Mamadou Sakho: Form much improved, looks the part alongside Silva. Been smiling a lot lately, think the PSG fan has enjoyed this season #grin. B+.
Maxwell: Doesn’t get injured, good at defending, consistent. Am dubious whether he’s actually Brazilian at all. #unsung. B+.
Siaka Tiene: Yes he’s still at the club. No, hopefully not for much longer. #chocolatefireguard. D.
Sylvain Armand: Another of the old guard on his way out, another who has played his part in the title success. Reminds me of a wolf. #howl. C.
Zoumana Camara: Despite his age, has never let the side down when called upon. Probably off this summer. #Papus. C.
Midfielders
Adrien Rabiot: Exciting cameos at the start of the season, reportedly been in good form for Toulouse. Come back soon. #future. C+.
Blaise Matuidi: He’s big, he’s bad, I wish he was my dad (not really). PSG’s most consistent player this season, I love him #onemanmidfield. A*.
Clement Chantome: Resurgent this season, apparently Ligue 1’s most accurate passer. Unlikely beer drinker. #choirboy. B+.
David Beckham: Stood around and looked pretty, like an ageing model. Said goodbye. Little else of note. #tears. D.
Matthieu Bodmer: Decent little player, few chances to impress, good luck in the future #Sainte. C.
Momo Sissoko: Unfollowed
Thiago Motta: Injured a lot, suspended a lot. When he plays, you don’t really notice him. #overthehill. C-.
Forwards
Ezequiel Lavezzi: Took time to get going, but looks the part now. Key in the Champions League, best achievement is starring in *that* photo. #jacuzzi. B+.
Guillaume Hoarau: See Nene, but replace "desert" with "China". #comebacktoEurope. C.
Javier Pastore: A bit like an iPad: some good features but generally you wonder whether it was worth the hype and hefty price-tag. #showpony. D.
Jeremy Menez: Man. Father. Legend. Form patchy this year but did well to tell Tony Chapron what we've all thought on more than one occasion #teammenez. B.
Kevin Gameiro: No complaining despite being sidelined for much of the season, weighed in with several important goals. Probably leaving, sadface. #deservesbetter. B+.
Lucas Moura: Showed flashes of what he can do, bit injury-prone. Undoubtedly more to come though. #wizardofdribble. C+.
Nene: Alas poor Nene, I knew him well. Writing was on the wall at the start of the season, now getting rich in the desert. #mask. C.
Peguy Luyindula: #laughedatNenewhenhewaslockedinthetoilet #beststoryever #redbull. D.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic: Thirty goals, lots of assist, one ego. Love him or hate him, he is Zlatan, and he's quite good. #nose. A*.
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